Take a Chance!

I wish there was a magic fairy-dust that you could sprinkle on yourself as soon as you decided to "work for Jesus" that would take away all the bad habits and false motives and lazy attitudes and leave you with nothing but joyful selflessness, good favor with everyone, and an extra heap of wisdom.  But at the same time? I'm very glad there isn't!  There is breathtaking beauty in the journey from Point A to Point B and it has a lot to do with depending on God every day because I don't have it all together!  

Sometimes I think we expect moving to a different place to come with at least a free sample of some such fairy-dust, but... it doesn't.  Wouldn't ya know, I moved all the way to Guatemala and I’m still the same Renae.  In a lot of ways, my life looks a lot like it did in the States.  Some nights, I stay up too late and sleep through my alarm in the morning.  I leave dirty dishes in the sink for too many days and it takes twice as long to clean them.  I wear my hair in odd up-dos at night so it will dry curly but some days it just doesn’t.  I spend too much time on some projects and then I have to rush to finish others.  I can’t decide which brand of peanut butter to buy at the store and just last week I let a sweet old lady at the market talk me into buying way too much broccoli for any one single person to consume and it’s going bad in my fridge because I just don't know what to do with it all!

Dance party in the kitchen! 

In a lot of ways, not much has changed! But at the same time, little by little, I’m learning about how trauma affects children and what we can do to help them.  Little by little, I’m learning how to love people who are really difficult and confusing to love, how to set good boundaries for myself and also for the girls I interact with who don’t yet have their own moors.  Little by little, I'm learning how to share truth when it’s time to share truth and how to listen when it’s time to listen.   And in the learning, I mess it all up.   
Mucho.  
Often.  
Because as much as I would like to get it right the first time, I’m quite human.  I quite honestly don’t know what to do in many, many situations every single day. But even there… there’s something fragile and weak and dependent and beautiful about who God made me to be. At the end of the day, I’m a recovering rebel who is loved by a holy God. In each and every daily, boring, exciting, overwhelming thing that comes up, I have a chance to see God’s strength perfected in the filling of my weaknesses. Am I willing to take it?
 

Love from a very weak, very happy 23-yr-old!

“My salvation and my significance depend ultimately on God; the core of my strength, my shelter, is in the True God.”   Psalm 62:7

Leaving the Domain of Darkness

Today I got to play with some really fun girls.  Someone had a pair of very child-sized orange plastic glasses that came to represent a character we’ll call la maestra , “the teacher.”  Whoever had the glasses on was responsible for worrying about the behavior of everyone else, preferably out loud, and preferably in a crazy teacher voice.  We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  ( I was very thankful for my training in the school of Mr. Bradley Kent Fiddlesticks! )  

 
We spent the hour between homework time and dinner time running around outside , playing chinese jumprope , and swinging higher than today’s clear blue sky.  

And then a little friend asked me to play make-believe.  

“Let’s say I was an invalid and you were my mom.  You go get that stick over there--to hit me with.” 

My heart dropped a little bit.  I laughingly told her that I would never in a million years hit her, even if she were the worst-behaved child in the world.  To which she replied, “It’s just a game…” 

Except it’s not just a game.  Every kid grows up playing house and teacher and cops 'n robbers and orphans, but this is different.  This isn’t “pretending our parents abandoned us so we can make-believe that we live in the adult world.”  This is life for our girls before they come to us.  And it doesn’t magically go away with the first hot shower and fresh change of clothes they receive at the Oasis.  

Why would she want to re-live it?  Maybe it’s a need to process her trauma, maybe she's learning that things can be different, maybe she's trying to figure out what normal is because her experiences say one thing but her heart longs for another.  

 

And because it’s most likely more than all of the above , I pray like a desperate mama that our girls will hear their Saviour whisper this “other” truth : that they are loved , that they are wanted , that they are forgiven. 

“The Father rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”  --Colossians 1:13-14

And I cling to the hope that they can be made whole :

Though we be dead… He makes us alive.  ( Colossians 2:13 )

the power of relationships

Working at a home for emotionally wounded girls has me thinking about relationships … a lot .  Recently, my mom pointed me to this amazing resource by Leslie Vernick, and it voiced something I’d been trying for a week to put into words:

“The way someone treats you, whether it be good or bad, has little to do with you. It reveals something about who they are.” 

Umm… read that again!

This rings true on so many levels.  I want to live this way, and I want our girls to be able to live this way!  


First of all, God loves us. Greatly. This in spite of our obvious flaws and shortcomings. His loving response to us reveals more of His endless goodness than can anything else!  I can trust His character.  Despite mine. 

Secondly, if someone hurts me, physically or emotionally, it is not my fault. In the same way that God’s love depends on Him, not me, another person’s response to me depends on their character, not mine. That’s frightening and freeing at the same time. I did not cause it, and I can not control it. 

That brings me to number three: No one else is responsible for how I respond to them. They do not have the power to control my reactions. I may choose to be happy, angry, afraid of them, or what have you, but I am always responsible for what I think, say, and do.  That choice reveals my character, not theirs.

The vast majority of our girls come from places where this truth has been sabotaged since Day One. A healthy understanding of relationships just doesn't grow out of the soil they were planted in.  Part of the miracle that God does when they come here is to transform their sweet, wounded hearts from

frightened,
weak,
needy,  
o v e r - d e p e n d e n t ,
dishonest,
manipulative,
controlling,
angry,
violent,
b i t t e r ,
indifferent, (or a progression of a l l of the above) 
 
into confident, 
loving,
strong, 
g i v i n g , 
kind, 
honest, 
caring, 
p a t i e n t , 
compassionate, 
open, 
forgiving, 
passionate young women.  

It's a long process.  

When a girl spills kind words instead of bitter ones, my heart jus wants to praise God for the miracle He is working in her!

 

When a girl pushes the limits of my patience and understanding, I can thank God that she is here, and that He loves her, and that this is a good place for her to heal from the ugliness that’s pouring out. 

 When that girl is me… God’s grace becomes that much more personal.

 

God is working. Please pray for us. We need it!

 

When white looks black, Part 2

God almighty offers me LIFE! 

and all He asks in return is my complete trust and joyful, satisfied surrender.  I need a new word to refer to what I think of as “my life” - This thing I’m being asked to hand over is much too insignificant to deserve the title.  

from James 1

Every good gift bestowed… is from God. 

He calls us to life by His message of truth so that we will show the rest of His creatures His goodness and love. 

It is possible to open your eyes and take in the beautiful, perfect truth found in God’s law of liberty and live by it. If you pursue that path and actually do what God has commanded, then you will avoid the many distractions that lead to an amnesia of all true things and you will be blessed. 
- the Voice -

Abba, save me from the many, many distractions that cause me to forget for Whom I was made . . .  Open my eyes and I'll open my hands - what my flesh considers precious, let me value as rubbish - that I might gain Christ!

When white looks black, Part 1

Sometimes, God’s best for me comes wrapped in a package that I don’t want to open. 
Sometimes, I forget just how fully God can be trusted and I look for another way. 
Sometimes, I want to know “Why?” more than I want to know God.

How many times have I said, “No, thank you!” to a deeper, more satisfying love of God because I didn’t want to risk a lesser thing?  

For example, I don’t like being lonely. At all, really.  In fact, I kind of hate it.   BUT, if loneliness was what it would take to know God , would I accept it?  Or would I hesitate , ask questions , try my own way?

“When I feel lonely, I am feeling powerful theological truth in my soul… Loneliness acts like a divine sticky note that says, ‘Don’t forget for whom you were made.’” (source)  

The same Jesus who gave up equality with God to become human, walk this broken earth, and die says that there’s a good reason to sign up for hardships: to gain something better.

“If any of you want to walk My path, you’re going to have to deny yourself. You’ll have to take up your cross every day and follow Me. If you try to avoid danger and risk, then you’ll lose everything. If you let go of your life and risk all for My sake, then your life will be rescued, healed, made whole and full.” (Luke 9:23-24)

One thing is Essential

I'm more convinced than ever before that one thing matters in life: 

to love the Lord my God 

with all my heart, 

all my soul, 

all my mind, 

and all my strength.  

Granted, my main purpose for coming to Guatemala was to more effectually love these "neighbors" as well as I love myself (which if you think about it . . . is a pretty tall order!)

But quite frankly, loving anybody is impossible if I don't first love God with every fiber of my being and learn from him what real love looks like.  Love for others is the natural overflow of obeying the "first and greatest" commandment.  

Striving for results if I don't have the Source is merely an exercise in futility.  

1 Corinthians 13 translated into my daily life might read something like this : 

If I pass my Spanish exam with flying colors and a perfect accent but do not have love, I'm wasting my words.  

If I teach my 4 students with excellence in the absence of their regular teacher, explaining science and Guatemalan social studies and grammar with perfection, and if I can translate and prepare 100 thank-you cards for mailing to sponsors in the US but do not have love, it all means nothing.  

If I play with the girls for hours on end, help them with homework, and even watch them at night so the house moms can take a break but do not take the time to meet with God in the secret place, I might as well be playing Farmville because I have nothing of His light and love to pass on to the very ones I claim to be serving.  

"Love is patient; love is kind. Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about.  There’s no arrogance in love; it’s never rude, crude, or indecent—it’s not self-absorbed. Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs or celebrate injustice; rather, truth is love’s delight!  Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trusts, hopes, and endures no matter what.  Love will never become obsolete."  

As for the cluelessness of being new here, it will pass.  Hanging out my laundry to dry without clothespins will get easier.  The loneliness of missing friends and family can be filled with the fullness of God, and new friends will come in time.  

" I realize that everything I know is only part of the big picture. But one day, when Jesus arrives, we will see clearly, face-to-face. In that day, I will fully know just as I have been wholly known by God."  

. . . The greatest 

                  . . . is love.  

Let's go get lost in God's love!  Amazing things are sure to follow!  

Sights & Sounds

Neal, they've found him.  Squatch lives
about 46,814 miles from Panajachel. 

Last Saturday, a few of us Kids Alive folks went with a team from New Hope, MN to Panajachel on Lake Atitlán.  It was fun to see a little bit of Guatemala beyond Antigua/San Lucas, and we had a great day with the team!  

Every friday during lent, the catholic churches in Antigua take turns putting on a velación which is best described as a very big, very elaborate nativity, except the story is different every time.  It might be the story of Job, the second coming of Christ, the creation of the world, whatever each church picks for that year.  Whichever church has the velación on Friday has a parade on Saturday that goes all over town and lasts for as many hours as a Green Valley work day in Spring!  

Velación
The story depicted above is "The Second Coming of the Son of Man"

Also in front of the “nativity” is a large alfombra, or carpet made of dyed sawdust, sand, fruit, and/or flowers.  Sawdust alfombras show up all over Antigua on the weekends and are super pretty!  The piles of fruit creep me out a little . . .  maybe it just looks too much like a ritualistic temple offering.  Anyway, after it’s done being used to decorate the church, the family who made the alfombra takes it home to eat or donates it to charity.  I'm trying to suspend judgement on which things are syncretism and not; for now, it's a huge part of catholic culture in Antigua and something worth learning about!  

The alfombra in the Merced church

For those of you who love corny little one-liners (ahem*Dad*hem) there's a great one about the carpenter's phone and the Spanish word for sawdust.  Ask me about it and I'll tell it to you!  


Well, even barring the hour I didn't lose today, it's time to sign off.  An all-too-familiar sound awaits me tomorrow morning!
  
Lorenzo . . .  before 7 . . .  every .  morning .   This bird cracks me up!  Enjoy =)