When God is too small

I'm free-falling over the darkest space I know.  Betrayal opens wide and threatens to swallow me whole as my deepest fears dance before me and threaten to become reality.  Sharp, jagged questions rip at my body but do nothing to orient me to reality, nor to hint at which way is up.  Balance gone, moorings failed.  Fear rips through my body and escapes my lungs in a desperate cry for help. 

I know there is hope.  Somewhere.  But grasp and flail as I might, I can't find it.  Terror rushes past my face as I force my eyes open because I know that truth exists and I desperately want to catch sight of it.  

Hope is believing that God will come to the rescue in the face of a still desperate tragedy.  Hope is knowing that the biggest story will have a beautiful ending full of poetic justice, satisfied wonder, and deep, bubbly joy. 

Trust is believing the only One who has ever passed through Death and come through victorious when he looks you in the eyes and says, "This death holds no power over you!"  Trust is knowing that God wraps himself around the ends of eternity and understands, even orchestrates, every last thing that seems hopeless and unfathomable for your good and for his glory. 

Somewhere in this truth, I start to find my bearings again.  I remember that the best weapon against despair is to praise.  But in this darkness, praise is my fiercest battle.  The doubts are louder than my faith.  The lies seem more real than the truth.  The fears are stronger than my trust, and I have a choice to make.  I chose to fight.  I don't always; there are times I just give up because that is so much easier, but this time, I fight.  I praise the just, faithful, loving greatness of God because I know it's there, not because I can see it. 

The pain crashes down one last time on my soul, but comfort trickles in behind it, wrapping around my heart.  Stars pierce the darkness and I can see again.  The bigness of God spreads out before me like an endlessly clear northern night, and I'm in awe at how vast it all is and how small everything else seems in comparison. 

My soul still hurts, but I can breathe again.  My heart is raw, vulnerable, alive.  This is what growth feels like.  Trust begins to take root again, sinking deeper into the cracks formed by doubt and drawing life out of the brokenness.  This is for my good and for God's glory. 

This is always for our good and God's glory. 

Jeremiah 18:1-6

Eternal One: 
Go down to the potter’s shop in the city, and wait for My word. 

So I went down to the potter’s shop and found him making something on his wheel.  And as I watched, the clay vessel in his hands became flawed and unusable. So the potter started again with the same clay.  He crushed and squeezed and shaped it into another vessel that was to his liking.  In that moment, I heard again God’s word for His rebellious people.
Eternal One: 
O people of Israel, can I not do the same to you as this potter has done? You are like clay in My hands—I will mold you as I see fit.

I need to remember this. Some times that's easier than others.

Whether it's watching a girl's face light up in a brilliant smile,
or the feeling of trust when she calls my name and runs into my arms. 
When she tells me the part of her story where God is teaching her and loving her and she's growing and learning and excited about it,
When she stands up for what is right because she loves Jesus and I actually get to see it,
When I hear of her thriving in every way back home with her family,
When my whole day is filled start to finish with the most rewarding work I could ever ask to do and overflowing with meaningful, encouraging conversations, and I'm not even tired by the end of it because it was all just that lovely…

"God, I don't deserve this! It's too good." 

"It's not about deserving it. I love you! You are like clay in my hands—Watch me do even more!"

But when I catch the cold, far-off look of a girl used to pain,
or when I learn about the painful part of a little friend's past and I can see how much it hurts her,
When I have to watch her struggle against old patterns that still hold her captive,
When I can see the battle taking place between despair and hope and I don't know which will win,
When I'm too far away from family and hard things are happening to those I've loved the longest,
When I have physical pain that won't let me take a minute off and I can't even think,
When someone I love decides to "self-destruct" and refuses help,
When the judge makes a tragic ruling that will change my friend's life forever,
When I can't hug my grandpa goodbye because it's already too late,
When I hold a sobbing, heartbroken child, 

"God, did someone do something to deserve this? It hurts." 

"It's not about deserving it. I love you. I am with you! Let me carry you."

In all of these things, I want my heart to be always in awe of God's great, powerful goodness and never-ending love, in all it's justice and holiness, and I want my prayer to be, "mold me as you see fit." 

Use me, use this, use your Church to display your glory. Amen. 

Who will fight?

"There's somebody on the other side of slavery, … They're prepared to actually fight you in this."   

- Gary Haugen, Founder and Director of IJM

Fight.  A fight takes a great deal of clarity.  Who is the enemy and what is the goal?  Yes, there are the pimps, the gangs, the traffickers, the abusive family members, the controlling and manipulative wounded people who wound other people.  There are the power plays, the desperation, the money, and the deep-seated corruption.  But if there's one thing Paul wrote that I would write across my forehead, it's that bit he sent to the Ephesian church,

"Our struggle is not against flesh and blood." 

In other words, all of the powerful darkness that we see is only a symptom, the "fallout" if you will, of an age-old battle between our creator God and the spiritual forces who rebelled against him.  Sides have been taken, territory has been won and lost, and we have yet to see the end of it fulfilled. 

But have we forgotten?  Victory has been secured! 

I have been challenged to rejoice in the opposition to what we're doing at the Oasis.  When I hear of our sweet girls facing pressure on all sides to give the enemy a stronghold in their lives, I will fall on my knees and pray with confidence that God hears the cry of his children, I will choose to shout with joy the spiritual battle cry of "Greater is He!" and I will charge boldly into the battle to which I have been called and for which I have prepared. 
When my sweet little sister stares blankly into the darkness of her past or the seeming hopelessness of her future, I will raise walls of prayer around her wounded spirit and a shield of praise in front of my own heart, and I will choose to turn loose the weapon of truth in all its double-edged power against the lies that would relentlessly plague us all if we let them, because I know that when God's people resist the enemy, he flees. 

It is is not for the people of God Almighty to do the retreating. 

Yes, we are weak.  But there is He strong.  May we be terrified to face a single day without the armor that God provides and the security of resting in Him alone.  May we tremble at the thought of one moment of self-dependence, out from under the banner of our God.  But, may God's people never again spend a single day cowering in fear of the evil lurking within themselves or assaulting the world around them!  Evil is present and fiercely active, but may it never be said that God's people allowed their enemy to fight unchallenged.  

Courage!  Confidence!  Joy!  Victory!

Peace.

May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. 
2 Thessalonians 3:16

Your hope a fire

This has been a Sarah-Groves-music-listening kind of week (tracks 4,6,8,9,10 on her Collections album.  Over, and over, and over).  The eyes of my heart have been opened to yet another layer of the darkness that runs deep through this little corner of the world, and my soul is fighting hard to hold on to hope. 

Sometimes, you don't even know how much you're struggling with something until someone puts it into words for you, and suddenly, you're surprised at the force of your heart shattering inside.  But then, you start to heal again, because now you understand it a little bit better than before.  *Listen Here*

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it.  

I heard what I heard and I can't go back.  

I know what I know ant I can't deny it.  

Something on the road,  

Cut me to the soul.  


Your pain has changed me,
 
Your dream inspires
 
Your face a memory
 
Your hope a fire
 
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
 
and what I know of love
...
and what I know of God. 



There's been a question out on the table between God and me for a while now, "What do you feel when you see injustice?"  I just want to know.  What does God think when his handiwork takes every last good gift and mysterious blessing and the powerful capacity that he has given us, and twists it for evil?  When we steal, and kill, and destroy, choosing to be children of darkness rather than children of light?  
When God gathers our tears, does he pour out ones of his own, or does he cry out in joyful victory over the brokenness?  Does he somehow do both? 

I am not strong enough to fight this.  Sometimes, I think the scariest part of injustice is that it mirrors the unredeemed places in our own souls.  If I can't win here, on the inside, in the one and only place over which I have total responsibility, what could I ever do out there, against the great and terrible forces of highly trained and well-organized evil?  

That is the point.  I have never been strong enough to fight this.  It has always been bigger than me, stronger than me, and smarter than me.  So, God in his mercy did what I could not.  He conquered the sin inside me when he had none.  Where I have corrosion, faults, compromise, and weakness, Jesus Christ had strength, integrity, purity, and wholeness.  From that strength, he moved against the sin outside of me, too.  Where I have selfish rebellion, he had sacrificial love.  He made one strategic move against sin that only God could make; Emmanuel enveloped death with his life.  

At what point will there be no more depths to sound of this overwhelming darkness?  How fathomless is the crushing power of evil?  

I don't know.   

What I do know is that God has wrapped redemption around the ends of infinity.  He is always one step deeper and one step farther than every last ocean of darkness.  In one step, God is infinitely greater than even the most endless darkness.  In his time, all things will be made new.  We do not fight a hopeless battle.  


One day voices that lie 
will all be silenced, 
One day all that's divided 
will be whole again, 
One day death 
will retreat and wave its white flag
One day Love 
will defeat the strongest enemy, 

One day eyes that are blind 
will see You clearly, 
One day all who deny 
will finally believe, 
One day hearts made of stone 
will break in pieces, 
One day chains once unbroken 
will fall down at Your feet,

So we wait for that one day, 

Come quickly! 

We want to see Your glory. 
Song Credit: Glory, Selah with Nichole Nordeman 

Oasis

A few weeks ago, I had the honor and privilege of interpreting one of my absolute favorite stories of all time:

God's Oasis Story.

I don't know if I can put into words what it was like to take a private tour through so many interviews that touched the very heart of our ministry at Oasis, but I'm going to try! 

First, it was a blast to work with the talented group of people who came to produce the video and to see what goes in to a project like this. We were blessed by the generous heart of a man who runs a similar ministry in the States who gathered the support to send this team our way.  It was special to see a small group of people get to know our ministry for the very first time and to watch them open their hearts to the bigness of what God is doing, without assuming or judging or short-cutting the deepness of what it means to live life at the Oasis.

Then there are the times that sharing stories of hope means uncovering the details of darkness so that others will see just how beautiful is the light. I cannot think of a story I would rather enter into at such a personal level, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't cry myself to sleep, hard, after some of these days.

But by far the most humbling and amazing part of that whole week was listening to story after story after story that put God on display in the mightiest of ways!  I'm still in awe.

I felt completely inadequate sitting down and pressing play on each interview with one of my dear, sweet, brave little sisters, about to take her words into my mind and into my heart and make them my own. 

These girls can say things that I will never be able to say. 

They have broken in ways that I have never broken. 
They have forgiven more deeply than I have ever been offended.
They have healed more than I have ever hurt. 
They have surrendered themselves to God and received life in place of death.

 And there we were, hearing the account of God's faithfulness step-by-step, word-by-word.

My heart could just explode!

Their stories are sacred. Hearing them is to walk on holy ground. God is present in this place and His glory is on full display. 

 
Pain.

"My dad used to abuse me."
"My mom didn't care. I never mattered to her."

Brokenness.

"I was abused for 7 years by a man I didn't know."
"Her dad abused her sexually and made her brother abuse her." 

Hope.

"I received justice at the other home, because they took me out of [that situation], but not like the justice we receive at the Oasis. This is the kind of justice where God heals your heart."

Mercy.

"My dream is for my dad to know God, and repent of the evil things he's done, and find forgiveness."
"She came in the room with her head held high, looked him in the eye and said, 'I forgive you for everything you did to me.'"

Grace.

"I felt clean and pure. It's like you're re-born in the eyes of God."
"I am a daughter of God."

Joy.

"God answers our prayers. Even when we fail him, he is faithful! His mercies new every morning and he is worthy of our worship!"

Abba, you are so, so good!!

It's easy to focus on the girls who are still broken. They are still angry. They are still hurting. They are confused. They are so lost.

But, God is here. Immanuel.

We have many girls who are learning. They are starting to see new things. They are beginning to think new thoughts. They are walking in new ways. They are growing.

Immanuel.

But because God is rich in grace and infinitely merciful, we have girls who have been redeemed! They are clean and they know it. They speak the truth and are not afraid. They are forgiven, and they have forgiven others. They are free!  Oh, it's just so beautiful.

Immanuel.

Watch the final product here! 

¡Dios Me Ama!

I'm going to do my very best to translate to English a song that says the most beautiful thing in Spanish... especially when it's sung by 50+ very special girls.   

Aun siendo así pobre pecador, 

Dios me ama
Siendo imperfecto, aun sin merecerlo, 

Dios me ama
Si yo estoy fuerte, si yo estoy de pie, 

Dios me ama
Si estoy débil, si yo estoy caído 

Él no me dejará de amar

Sin su amor,

Sin su perdón,

No sé que sería de mi.  

Dios me amó tanto que entregó a su hijo para morir en mi lugar

Dios me ama, 

y su amor es tan grande incondicional,
Dios me ama, 

y siempre está con sus brazos abiertos a mi

... ... ... ... ...

I am a sinner, worthlessly poor,

but God loves me.  

Even though imperfect, although I don't deserve it, 

God still loves me.  

When I'm standing strong, and when I'm running well,

God loves me.  

When my faith weakens, and I have fallen down,

God you will never let me go.   

Without his love,

and forgiveness,

I do not know where I would be.  

God loved me so much that he gave his son to die in my place!  

God loves me!

and his love is so great and unconditional,

God loves me!

and his arms are always open to welcome me home.  

It is the greatest desire of my heart for each and every one of my Oasis sisters to know this truth.  May they rest in it, rejoice in it, and pass it along from heart to heart until the whole world knows how great is the God that loves them!  

 

ReMoved

I came across this video a couple of months ago.  It does an amazing job of capturing what so many of our girls have felt when they are ReMoved to Oasis.  Please take a few minutes and listen to what it's like to be a vulnerable child in a broken world.  
 

So much insight!  

Life is messy.  
Hard issues are never cut-and-dried.  
Healing is complicated.  
Trust is risky.  

God is gentle.  
He is wise.  
He understands.  
He is powerful.  
He restores.  

Love takes sacrifice. 

It is such a blessing to work in a place where we get to see this whole cycle take place!  The anger and shame and confusion changes to peace and trust and forgiveness because God is a mighty warrior against injustice on behalf of his beloved kids!  God the good Abba who loved me at my worst and choses to redeem me into His best.  Amen!!